Sunday, May 8, 2011
I've had a bittersweet Mother's Day weekend. When a stranger wishes me a happy mother's day, all weekend I've felt like explaining, that actually, we'd be losing a leg so, no, it would be a hard weekend. But that is the wicked, depressed side of me speaking. You'll be proud of me that I bit my tounge each time and smiled and said, "Thank you."
Mother's day really has been nice, even with the cancer and upcoming surgery looming about. We went to church with Rob's parents and then we went to my mom's house and talked to my brother, Mark, who is on an LDS mission in Barcelona, Spain. It was so nice to visit with most of my siblings. But even with distractions, there is no escaping the cancer. Addie and Andrew's mother's day cards seemed to express our reality (you'll have to excuse the photography on these cards. I'm lazy tonight):
Addie said hers was a picture of me and Steven at the hospital. (By the way, Rob forged the "I love you.")
Andrew's came as part of a darling book he made at school entitled, "All About My Mom". The next page says "sisters."
Cancer has brought a whole new dimension to the love and concern I feel for my kids. I never really understood how painful being a mom could be. And there is a good chance that this won't be the end of my suffering and maybe not even the worst of it. But even with the pain that comes as part of the job, the joy my kids bring me is indescribable.
I am a far cry from perfect. I yell at my kids often and today was no exception. Some of my motherly duties have fallen by the wayside since cancer came along. We eat too much junk food and watch too much TV and my kids do very little chores these days. I hope I will get a second chance here, but in the meantime I do want the best for them and I love them immensely. I guess that is what makes motherhood work--we moms will sacrifice a lot to give our kids the best life we can.
Tonight I want to hold Steven in my arms like I did when he was a baby. I wish I could take away all the pain that he will feel next week. If I could, I would go in his place for the surgery. But since I can't, I hope he can at least go through the trial ahead with a surety that his mom loves him.
P.S. He is still doing well-continues to claim he isn't nervous about the surgery. I'm pretty sure I'm more nervous that he is. He had a great weekend with his aunt Alisa and her kids. She did a much better job of providing fun than I could have. I had a busy and distracting day trying to prep for this crazy week.