Sunday, May 19, 2013

Running with Angels

On Saturday, I made my 5K debut along with my sister, Anne, sister-in-law, Amy, my mom and Steven.  This race is called "Running with Angels" and honors lost babies and supports families who will someday face this trial.   It was such a great event--I really was just touched by all the love for the little ones who have made such a big impression on our lives.  

We took one picture (the bottom one) before the race, when everything was dry, but almost as soon as we started the run, the rain came pouring down.  We were thoroughly drenched by the end.   My mom walked with Steven and I kept thinking how sorry I felt for him--that he was cold and wet and couldn't run fast.   But he came cheerfully to the finish line (top left) and said as we were driving away,  "It is a good thing I have a prosthetic leg because I only have one leg that is cold!"   Ever the optimist!

It was fun to remember my angel baby, Daniel, but I couldn't help but feel that my dear family running with me and cheering us on have been my angels, too, to get me through these rough months and years.  They represent only a small part of my angelic family and friends who have truly carried us when we couldn't go on.  Where would I be without you all?

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Six months

On Friday, it was six months since we lost our baby, Daniel.  I long for words to express how I feel and what I've learned and how far I have to go, but I don't have them.  I haven't shared pictures of Daniel on this blog; I've kept them on my private blogs.  None of the pictures we have capture him how I remember him or how I want to remember him,  but today I just felt like sharing an image or two of my angel baby. 

Grief is an interesting thing....I don't know that I really understand it.  It was so all-consuming at first and really, it sort of still is.  In a different way, though.  At first the tears would not stop.  As the months have passed, I've had to leave the comfort of my home and go out into real life and take care of my other kids.  I have had to explain to people who saw me pregnant but didn't know the circumstances where my baby is.   I see babies all the time--mostly they make me smile but sometimes I wish I had mine here too.   I really want to order a headstone for Daniel's grave, but words escape me.  It is such a small area in which to squeeze a heart full of sentiments.

So many people ask me how I am doing.  I don't know how to answer.  In some ways I am doing fine.  Thanks to my puppy and my kids, I get out of bed every morning, get going and do most of the important things.  When I seek it, I can find a great deal of comfort from my Savior.  Sometimes I feel too worn out to pray as deeply as I should.  After what I've been through, I am now a different person, I see things differently.  I am praying that these experiences will make me a better person--but I'm afraid I am very much a work in progress.  The grief has slowed me down considerably and my house is full of unfinished projects.  I feel like I have a better idea of how to help people who are suffering.  The only problem is that I am either too self focused or too depressed to reach out much.  I am hoping for better days and as I wait, I do what I can to fix some my problems. 

So that is my little update for now.   I was kind of hoping I had something insightful to say, but I guess I don't really.  I love my little family and while I know Daniel is still part of it, I wish he were here.