Monday, June 15, 2015

Take a picture of your life before it changes

I've been missing Alisa fiercely the past few days.  When I get very busy, the feeling might subside a bit, but when I slow down, it hits me so hard.  Josh posted this slideshow that my sisters made for her viewing.  I watched it for the first time tonight and can hardly stand that she is gone.  I still had so much to tell her and she had so much to teach me.  

If you watch the video, one thing you'll notice is how many lovely pictures she has.  She has often told me to take more pictures, and even though I'm self conscious about pictures of myself, she encouraged me to take more.  If I said I looked too old, she told me I would only get older.  And she was right--I'm so glad she took so many.  I look into her eyes in these pictures and remember her.  I'll try to do better.

Right now a picture of me wouldn't be so lovely.  The weight of grief shows in my eyes and shoulders.  I find myself reminding me to smile.  I don't know if my kids have heard my smiling voice for months.  Or is it years.  I have so far to go.  

This grief has been different for me than when I lost my baby.  Not so debilitating--I think because I saw it coming.  But not easier, just different.   With Daniel, the stages of grief seemed so textbook-ordered.  With Alisa's loss, it is jumbled up.  Today I felt so anxious, a fear almost.  And there is nothing I'm afraid of, and all I could come up with is grief.  

The trick will be finding joy again.  And not taking life for granted.  I love how she lived that way, up until the very end.  And I love that her pictures and blog posts are here to remind me.