Tired

Whew, I am tired tonight. The good news is that Steven made it home this morning. He barely made the methotrexate cut off of .10. We were so happy to leave. As we were taking care of things for discharge, I asked the nurse to look up his CBC (those are the labs they run on him biweekly). His ANC from this morning was 400. So low! You'll remember that it needs to be 500 to be out in public. 400 isn't terrible, it's just that I didn't expect it to drop so low at this point. I asked about him going to school and they said no--not until we see his Thursday labs. Oh, and his hematocrit was lower, too--close to transfusion levels.

I'm not sure why, (possibly the awful night sleep I got?), but I got pretty weepy about the whole thing. As in, cancer. I think it is so hard to give up expectations. Plus, I'm confused about why the low number. They think it is because he is getting toward the end and his bone marrow is tired. Well, I can understand that--I'm getting tired, too. I do feel like there is going to be an end to this--only four more rounds to go! At the same time, I feel like I can maybe handle one more round and then I will break, and maybe my whole family will crack apart. Laura, the three year old, clings to me longer and tighter every time I come back from the hospital. Things are just on edge around here.

We do have some good things to look forward to this week. On Thursday, Steven will get to take his leg home. He didn't realize it was this Thursday until this evening and he has been smiling ever since Rob told him. On Friday, we should be going in for another round of chemo, but we asked for the weekend off so that we can go on a mini vacation with my family. Also, on Labor day, we have our family film festival to look forward to. It will be fun. I am happy to take an 8 day break from the hospital. Hopefully the time will also help Steven to recover even better.

And like each day, we will take these rounds one at a time. It may feel hard right now at the end of a long night and day, but I know we can do it. We've done 14 rounds so far--we are pros at this! And like every round before, we still have the amazing love and help from our family and friends along with God's unfailing support.