So....I am super tired tonight--mostly emotionally. I can't even describe how discouraged and disheartened I've been about the leg break. Of course, you would think that I would be a little more sympathetic for the patient and a little less concerned about my own disappointment. He is in a lot of pain and is very sleepy. He didn't sleep well last night and between that and the pain medication, his eyes were drooping all day. He fell asleep in the recliner tonight.
It isn't fun to see him in pain, but I know that he will get over it, so my concerns are mostly centered on the future. You would think I would have learned not to count on the future too much. My life certainly hasn't turned out like I planned. During chemo, I got very good at living day to day and focusing on the present. Since he has finished chemo, I've been trying very hard to plan ahead and set goals. I know that the future is uncertain, but I have really centered my life on getting Steven walking again and putting our lives back together.
So now, this is a huge game changer. It is hard to know how this will work out. Will he be starting over? Or has he made some gains? I suppose only time will tell.
Dr. Jones called late last night. He had been at a conference all weekend with no cell phone coverage and called as soon as he got our message. How amazing is that? I'm telling you--he is an outstanding doctor and person. Anyone who knows him and hears that he is Steven's doctor says something positive about him.
But I digress. Dr. Jones will put a cast on Steven's leg on Tuesday. He hasn't seen the Xrays yet, but from what we told him, he thinks that Steven will be in some sort of cast or splint for at least six weeks, depending on how well it heals. He may be in a cast for only half that time and then move to a shorter cast or splint. Either way, he won't be bearing weight for that time and when he does, it will be very gradually. Because his bone hasn't been bearing weight for so long, it is not very strong and this is fairly common with limb reconstructions.
Common or not, it is still bad news. I really don't know how long we are looking until he is walking again. So much will depend on him and if he will do what he needs to do. Last as I was going to sleep, I literally couldn't stop crying. I couldn't figure out how to stop so I could go to sleep. I had been thinking about a woman I talked to whose son had a rotationplasty four or five years ago. He has had a rough road and even broke his foot at one point. Despite this, she told me that she was very pleased with the surgery and felt it was the right decision. I have been wanting to call her but I thought I lost her number. When I couldn't sleep I went looking for it and found it right away. Somehow just thinking that I can call her this week calmed me down and I was able to sleep (at least until Steven woke up with pain).
I think we will get through this. I am not sure how or what it is going to take, but what else can we do but keep trying? I have felt many times today like throwing my hands in the air and giving up. But that is pretty ridiculous if you think about it. We will do what we have been doing all year--taking each day one at a time, living with hope, and trying our best. I guess that is human nature and is what makes this world go around.