The details

I wrote the title and now I feel pressure to actually write details.....hmm..  We'll see. 

First of all, Steven had scans today and they looked good.   All his appointments were quite early and very back to back and so the doctors could see the chest CT scans but no radiologist had submitted a report by the time we left.  The doctors couldn't see anything troubling, so I guess that means there is no obvious cancer anyway and that is good enough for us.

We were all very happy upon leaving the hospital--it kind of feels like someone just promised you three months to live and that is kind of cool.   I know it isn't that way.   There are no guarantees and most likely he will have a whole life to live, but for some reason, good scans feel like a gift.

And all that happiness dispelled all the fear and gloom surrounding our latest drama--Laura broke her leg last night.  She was jumping on the trampoline and nothing very dramatic happened--probably someone took her bounce--and then she was down and in pain.  We had quite the night last night at the instacare and ER.  In a weird cooincidence, her break is in the exact same place as Steven's tumor.   I was already an anxious mess with scans the next morning, but this kind of put me over the top.  I wonder what the doctors thought of me.  I wasn't freaking out, I was just dull and unfocused.  This was her second trip to the instacare this week--earlier she cut her chin and got stitches.  Between that and her bruised up legs, she looked pretty beat up.    I will say that she has had a glorius week playing outdoors as much as she can--lots of mud pies and sidewalk chalk and bikes and scooter and trampoline time.   Hopefully it will sustain her through the next few weeks!   The break is rather minor but she is still in a lot of pain.  She'll get a cast on Wednesday, but I'm not sure how long she'll have one.   She is really frustrated with the itchiness of the brace.

So there is that.  Steven's been so happy and doing so well.  I can't remember when I wrote last, but he still doesn't have a new prosthetic.  He had one for a while and it didn't work and so they started over.  It should be done in the next week or two.   His old one has been repaired and is working well in the meantime. 

And as far as Laura goes, I don't know the details on how mobile she will be, but I do have some pretty good connections to get her whatever mobilitly equipment she can use ("not crutches" say the doctors, citing her stitches and bruises).  So when the pain subsides, I'm sure we'll figure this out.   In some ways it doesn't feel like a big deal because we've dealt with worse, but in other ways it just boggles the mind that more misfortune can befall us.  

But honestly, as I left the hospital today, I didn't see it as a misfortune at all....I am just glad to have all my kids (and my sister) alive and well.  I'm feeling pretty lucky.

Recently..

Wow, two years ago yesterday, Steven was diagnosed with cancer.  I only thought of this because I was thinking I ought to log on to the blog and then it hit me that we are approaching anniversaries.  Weird.  I guess I thought that I would not forget that day and yet it came and went uneventfully and with nary a thought of cancer.  This is a good thing, I think.

We've had some super busy weeks just doing normal things mixed in with the fun and the not so fun extras.  For one, Steven got his new leg over a week ago.  The bad part is that he hasn't been able to tolerate it very well.  We keep going into Shriners to get it adjusted and leave with hopes that it is fixed, but then hours later he is limping again.  We spent all afternoon at Shriners on Friday and finally his new prosthetist suggested we just start over and cast him for a new leg.  Steven was sick and tired of being there and so he said, "No, let me try it over the weekend, maybe I just need to get used to it."   So I guess we are getting the first available appointment next week and starting again.  Oh well, his old one works just fine now.  He had totally snapped a metal part but the great guys at Shriners fixed it, so at least he isn't hopping around on one foot anymore.

Something fun this week--Steven got an award from the local city for Student of the Month.  We were invited to a luncheon and the principal told everyone what an inspiring kid Steven is and she was right.  Afterward I was congratulating him and he said, "Yeah, but the only reason I got it was because I got cancer."   Ouch.  The thing is, in a way he may be right.  But my argument is that his experiences with cancer have transformed him from great to awesome.  (And frankly, to borrow one of his favorite words, he's on his way to 'epic'!)  

We are all loving Molly (our puppy) more and more all the time.  She has just been so good for all of us.  In the midst of all the chaos that is our life, we can come home to her.   She seems to be learning to be better behaved and isn't too destructive.  She is funny and darling and continues to get me out of bed and get me going, even early in the morning.   And that is kind of important to keep up with this family, so thank you, Molly!

Three months ago, Daniel was born. It feels like I've lived a lifetime since then. A baby was blessed a church today. I didn't even cry this time, but then when it was over, it struck me that today would have been Daniel's blessing day too. And so I skipped Sunday school and went to Daniel's grave to say a little prayer for my baby.

I have been gathering some pictures and thoughts about Daniel for a scrapbook. I came across this one that Alisa took of Addie at the graveside service that I love:

She is trying to catch a snowflake on her way to lay a flower down on Daniel's casket. It looks like hope and beauty and optimism, all the things I am seeking as I try to find some meaning in his death. I've come a long way in three months, but I still miss my little baby.

Some recent pictures of our puppy and our snow. Lots of fun!

January update

When I was looking for a dog, I came across a quote to the effect of "Whoever said money can't buy happiness never bought a puppy."

In the last few weeks, I have had that thought cross my mind on many occasions--when the kids are laughing or when I am holding sleepy, soft, cuddly little Molly. Our world is kind of revolving around her right now--Steven took 100 pictures or so of her the other day. Of course, only one or two was in focus. She doesn't slow down very often.

In all fairness, more often than the happiness quote, I've wondered if I have gone crazy to bring home a puppy. She is as much trouble as she is fun! Time will tell if I'm crazy or used my money wisely in this endeavor.

So many things happening these days--this post could get long and boring. Steven had his birthday--lots of celebrating. Cancer survivors can really appreciate birthdays, and we are no exception. He continues to inspire me. The other night as he was getting ready for bed he said, "Tomorrow is going to be so much fun!" I couldn't remember any special plans and so I asked him what was going on. He said, "I don't know, but that is what makes it so fun!" He is pretty much always happy and cheerful.

Again this year, he won the school Geography Bee. His friends lifted him up and wanted to carry him out of the gym like a true victor. He is so lucky to have such a supportive group of friends.

I never did post this, but a few months ago he got hearing aids. The chemo damaged his hearing and it was getting to the point where I could tell that the loss was affecting his speech and comprehension. It took some time to go to all the necessary appointments and for him to get accustomed to the hearing aides. But now that he's had them for a while, he really likes them. They haven't fixed everything, but they have a helped a lot.

Also in health news, we have started the process to have a new prosthetic built for him. He should have that sometime in the next month. The prosthetist that made his two other legs has left Shriners, so we have a new set of eyes looking a Steven's leg and hopefully it will have some improvements.

I think about Daniel all the time. Life has moved forward in a way that sometimes make me wonder if it was all a dream. That sounds funny, I guess, but I just don't understand how things can keep moving forward after something that sad has happened. I mean, how do I get out of bed? I don't get it. The sadness is still there and sometimes it creeps up and chokes me just as intensley as ever. But mostly I am doing what I used to do and often even happily. I believe Christ's promise to all who mourn, that we will be comforted.

We got plastered with snow last week--it was between two and three feet and beautiful. The kids and dog are huge fans. The boys discovered a sledding hill not far from our house and like to go whenever their snow clothes are dry and the sun is up. Come to think of it, the sun isn't a requirement--they think night sledding is pretty amazing too.

Lots of people I love born this month, including my sister, Alisa. She got to celebrate her birthday last week--one we didn't know if she would see. I love that she is beating cancer! And not just physically, she is beating it mentally and that is what amazes me. (My definition of beating cancer mentally is by getting up every morning and going on with life. She does even more than that, though--she does it happily and serves others every day. She spent this birthday getting radiation and then taking treats around to all her nurses so they could celebrate her survival with them. What!?)

So there is a small January update. Starting out the year on a good note--let's keep it that way!

new

I've been thinking about the old year and the new one...lots of thoughts. The Mayans thought the world would end in 2012. At one point, I thought mine would too. And then the world just kept turning around and I am still going with it.

When 2012 started, I had a feeling in my bones it would be eventful. I get everyone's Christmas letters and most years I think "I'm off the hook--nothing much has changed around here." Last year I envisioned how I would send out a Christmas card announcing a new house and a new baby a trip to Hawaii and Steven cancer free and walking. Some of my dreams came true. But when December came, I found I couldn't write anything Christmas cardy at all--to tell bad news hardly seemed festive. My family pictures all seem incomplete and so I passed this year.

Not all surprises were bad. To be honest, at one point I didn't think my sister, Alisa, would still be around. I'm so glad that I was wrong. She shows me everyday how to hope.

As I start a new year, I am trying so hard not to have too many expectations but at the same time be full of hope.

I did find a dog....I've searched hundreds of ads and hers was the first that really grabbed me. She isn't exactly what I was looking for, but it still feels right. Of course, she hasn't been here long, I hope my intution was right. For now we call her Molly, but don't get anything engraved yet...I have a tendency to change names. Her parents are a mini labradoodle and an Aussiedoodle, but she seems to be mostly Australian shepherd. I was hoping for a nonshedding dog, but I'm pretty sure she sheds. We are kind of in love with her already, though, so we may have to overlook that part.

My picture doesn't really do her justice, but isn't she cute? Doesn't that look just inspire hope for a great year?

Merry Christmas!

I'm about to go to bed on Christmas night and I'm feeling good that got through the day and my kids are no worse for wear. I have had a very reflective month and have enjoyed the music of the season. But shopping and baking and all those other motherly Christmas responsibilities have had no draw. Christmas is magical, but I was afraid that without me working my mommy magic, my kids would be disappointed.

I'm happy to report that Christmas came all the same around here and thanks to many people like grandmas and Rob and neighbors and doorbell ditchers and friends and aunties, the magic was here. My big plans for the Christmas surprise I mentioned in my last post didn't work out. I wanted to give my kids a puppy. They had to settle with a stuffed animal and a coupon instead. You should have seen how excited they were about that! I can only imagine how a real life Christmas morning dog would have animated them! The search continues, but I sure wish I had that dog today. Despite my thwarted plans, as I said good night to Steven, he told me it was the very best Christmas ever.

I am so torn about how I feel about this Christmas. I still feel very sad about Daniel and really missed him today especially. But my kids are contagiously happy that I find myself happy one minute then sad another and then happy and sad at the same time. I have seen that so much in the last few years with all we've gone through--even in the sad times, happy things shine through.

I have a lot on my mind but putting it all into words is too taxing, so forgive me for saying good night. Forgive me for not sending Christmas cards or bringing you treats or sending you packages. Thank you for all of you who have made this Christmas so wonderful--we have surely felt your love.

I didn't do much for people for Christmas, but I did do something for myself. I formatted and printed this blog into a book. I finished most of it before Daniel was born. It cost a pretty penny to print, so I decided against printing copies for our parents. But it did come with a free ebook so I published it for the iPad and sent my parents a link. (I know--I'm cheap like that!) If there is anyone else out there with an iPad who wants a copy, here is a link if you would like to download it.

Merry Christmas everyone! May the peace of the season fill your hearts and homes.