Thursday, August 20, 2015

Don't be mad

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed tonight.   I was lump-like on the couch looking at the mess surrounding me and I felt like I needed to escape to stay sane.   I headed to the cemetery and  walked around in the twilight,  feeling like a miserable failure.  I was angry at myself that I couldn't muster more energy, I heard Alisa's voice tell me, "Don't be mad at yourself, Sonja." 

It struck me again what a gift her last words to me were.  I don't think I've written down yet the story of her last words to me.  I say "last words" a little loosely, as we had a conversation about many things on that last day she was conscious.  She asked me to write her obituary and to help Josh pick a headstone.  She told me that she wanted a plain headstone with nothing on it "Not even my name."  She was not entirely herself that day and some of the things she said she weren't quite right.

Her friend, Jennie, had texted me and told me that I should come see Alisa that day, that she was slipping away fast.  She said that she had been with her for a couple of hours and only a few things she said were really appropriate for the context.  So I made arrangements and went down.  I'm so glad I did.

As I drove, I considered what I wanted to tell her.  Josh was in the room and he got to hear it too.  I wanted her to know how much she has meant to me in my life and how much I truly love her.  I told her so and told her how sad I was that it had taken cancer for me to stop being jealous of her.   I had written her a long letter about it, thanking her for loving me no matter what and for helping me with so much throughout my life.  After I started telling her some of these things in the same spirit as the letter, she told me she had read it.   I can't remember what else she said, but then she said, "Sonja, don't be mad at yourself." Then in a bossy tone, "Josh, don't let Sonja be mad at herself."  Josh and I both laughed and Josh assured her that he wouldn't.  It seemed like a strange comment in the context--a bit of the delirium of someone whose mind was failing.

But it stayed in my mind and I wondered about it as I drove home that night.  The next day I was going down again and was picking up my sister, Kirsten, so she could go see Alisa.  I was late getting out the door and knew I'd have to almost turn right back around to pick up kids from school.  As I was backing out of my driveway, I was cursing my perpetual tardiness and I heard myself say, "I'm so mad at myself!"  As I said it, I realized that it is a phrase that often passes through my mind.  And then just as strong, I heard Alisa's command, "Sonja, don't be mad at yourself."

Many times in the past few months, I've caught myself getting angry at my weaknesses.  And many times I hear her last advice to me.  I can't tell you what a powerful gift they are.  She knew me so well--maybe better than I know myself.   By the end of her life, Alisa had such a beautiful and merciful life perspective.  I think she understood that negativity was wasted energy and time and just did her best and left it at that.   And so with her words and her example, I plan to remember that just like everyone else, I am doing my best.   And while I can certainly strive for better, being angry at myself wont help.

 
My beautiful sister on her 35th birthday

9 comments:

  1. I love last words. I'm glad that you had a little time to hear Alisa tonight. Always thinking of you.

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  2. This is beautiful, Sonja. Even though you've told me the story before, reading it was very sweet and powerful. I'm so glad you have those last words from Alisa. She knew you're much too hard on yourself.

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  3. And, maybe through association, this is some great advice to all of us. I am struggling with the same thing right now. I can tell you more about that elsewhere...but I just read this and thought ---of course she would leave that in your mind, she loved you and she'll always try to help you...maybe more so now that she knows what eternity really is. I heard something on the radio the other day, and it was exactly about this---and what do we think the Lord would say when we define our shortcomings? He would say we hold too high of standards for ourselves, and we are only asked to do our best. I am sure Alisa understood that, and I'm sure she was so close to the veil at the time to know that is what you needed to remember when you thought of her.

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  4. This is a lovely post, Sonja. We all feel inadequate but at least we can be inadequate together, right?

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  5. This was beautiful, Sonja. ❤

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  6. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Truth, it is all the truth.

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  7. You are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing. You are amazing!

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  8. This is a really powerful post, Sonja. Love you.

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  9. Thank you, Sonja, for sharing here. I recently had an experience where I received a priesthood blessing and felt that the Lord is less hard on me than I am on myself. And I'm always struggling with being late, too! :) I pray that you will feel the Lord's love for you as you grieve for your sister.

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