Merry Christmas!

I'm about to go to bed on Christmas night and I'm feeling good that got through the day and my kids are no worse for wear. I have had a very reflective month and have enjoyed the music of the season. But shopping and baking and all those other motherly Christmas responsibilities have had no draw. Christmas is magical, but I was afraid that without me working my mommy magic, my kids would be disappointed.

I'm happy to report that Christmas came all the same around here and thanks to many people like grandmas and Rob and neighbors and doorbell ditchers and friends and aunties, the magic was here. My big plans for the Christmas surprise I mentioned in my last post didn't work out. I wanted to give my kids a puppy. They had to settle with a stuffed animal and a coupon instead. You should have seen how excited they were about that! I can only imagine how a real life Christmas morning dog would have animated them! The search continues, but I sure wish I had that dog today. Despite my thwarted plans, as I said good night to Steven, he told me it was the very best Christmas ever.

I am so torn about how I feel about this Christmas. I still feel very sad about Daniel and really missed him today especially. But my kids are contagiously happy that I find myself happy one minute then sad another and then happy and sad at the same time. I have seen that so much in the last few years with all we've gone through--even in the sad times, happy things shine through.

I have a lot on my mind but putting it all into words is too taxing, so forgive me for saying good night. Forgive me for not sending Christmas cards or bringing you treats or sending you packages. Thank you for all of you who have made this Christmas so wonderful--we have surely felt your love.

I didn't do much for people for Christmas, but I did do something for myself. I formatted and printed this blog into a book. I finished most of it before Daniel was born. It cost a pretty penny to print, so I decided against printing copies for our parents. But it did come with a free ebook so I published it for the iPad and sent my parents a link. (I know--I'm cheap like that!) If there is anyone else out there with an iPad who wants a copy, here is a link if you would like to download it.

Merry Christmas everyone! May the peace of the season fill your hearts and homes.

Still cancer free

Today Steven had his one year exam/scans/labs/Dr. appointments, and everything looked great. Both Dr. Jones (his orthopedic surgeon) and Dr. Wright (his oncologist) thought he looked amazing. Dr. Jones was super impressed with Steven's Xrays--his leg has healed beautifully from the break last year about this time. We saw Dr. Jones before we went to the oncology clinic and he told us that Steven's chest CT was clear. That was a huge relief and we knew that by about 11am, so we were able to relax and go to lunch before Steven's clinic appointment. Steven was just thrilled and became his usual happy and enthusiastic self. After his appointment with Dr. Jones, he went into the waiting room and announced his good news to the friends we had made while waiting. I really can't express just how grateful I am. I've been going over in my mind how I would be able to handle bad news right now and I couldn't quite envision a good scenario. Thankfully that was a fruitless exercise! Hooray for good scans!

A long status update that really is only the tip of the iceberg...

I have been feeling like I should post something, but I can't believe how hard that is for me to do right now. It seems like doing much of anything is hard these days, let alone spilling my guts to the public on my blog. While lenghty, this is still a very vague report of some of the things I've been feeling lately:

I have certainly been feeling depressed--or is it just the grief? I don't know if there is a difference, but everything I do is slow and difficult. The other day I told Laura she had to wait until I took a shower to watch a TV show. After I got the kids off to school, I crawled back into bed. Laura kept pestering me to get up and take a shower (so she could watch her show) and so finally I did. I thank Heavenly Father every day for these kids I have--I love them so much and also, without them I might be a permanent fixture in bed!

I've been feeling very loved. So many people have done so much for us. I have a stack of thank you cards by my bed and everyday I tell myself "this is the day to start writing those..." but somehow they are still blank. Maybe tonight. I still can't get over the beautiful piano in my living room. Wow. And then there are little things that people say and do that remind me of the outpouring of love and support from everyone around me.

I have a bit of anxiety and I suspect it will get worse throughout the week. I wonder if I would feel it more now if I weren't so numb. On Friday Steven will have his one year full exam and scans. We scheduled them a month late because we were supposed to be busy in November...sigh. Anyway, now I feel like all my happiness rests on a positive scan outcome. I spend a lot of time in my mind trying to convince myself otherwise. I am relearning hope and faith and trust in God. As hard as it is for me to accept, it boils down to this--Steven will live as long as he is supposed to. I just hope and pray that he supposed to live for a very long time.

I haven't been much in the mood for Christmas--I think it is just that I don't feel like celebrating much right now. Shopping, decorating, holiday baking--those don't sound a bit fun. However, I am slightly obsessed with a certain Christmas present I am hunting down. I'll keep you posted. When I can't get out of bed, I pull out the handy IPad and search.

And along with it all, I am missing little Daniel. I don't need to hold his teddy bear to be able to sleep anymore, and I don't cry every time I think about him now. But I sure still wish he were around and I had a room full of baby stuff and someone to wake me up at night and warm little bundle to cuddle. I often feel purposeless. My arms still ache sometimes. Again, glad that my other kids demand a little bit from me still.

I wish I could end with something insightful, or at least hopeful. I guess I could tell you how much I hope I can crawl out of this difficult place. I hope that Steven has good scans. I am hoping that my sister, Alisa,gets into the trial she wants. So, lots of hoping going on over here! (Is that a hopeful enough conclusion? I guess "hoping" isn't really the same as "hopeful" but whatever...I better stop!)