A long status update that really is only the tip of the iceberg...

I have been feeling like I should post something, but I can't believe how hard that is for me to do right now. It seems like doing much of anything is hard these days, let alone spilling my guts to the public on my blog. While lenghty, this is still a very vague report of some of the things I've been feeling lately:

I have certainly been feeling depressed--or is it just the grief? I don't know if there is a difference, but everything I do is slow and difficult. The other day I told Laura she had to wait until I took a shower to watch a TV show. After I got the kids off to school, I crawled back into bed. Laura kept pestering me to get up and take a shower (so she could watch her show) and so finally I did. I thank Heavenly Father every day for these kids I have--I love them so much and also, without them I might be a permanent fixture in bed!

I've been feeling very loved. So many people have done so much for us. I have a stack of thank you cards by my bed and everyday I tell myself "this is the day to start writing those..." but somehow they are still blank. Maybe tonight. I still can't get over the beautiful piano in my living room. Wow. And then there are little things that people say and do that remind me of the outpouring of love and support from everyone around me.

I have a bit of anxiety and I suspect it will get worse throughout the week. I wonder if I would feel it more now if I weren't so numb. On Friday Steven will have his one year full exam and scans. We scheduled them a month late because we were supposed to be busy in November...sigh. Anyway, now I feel like all my happiness rests on a positive scan outcome. I spend a lot of time in my mind trying to convince myself otherwise. I am relearning hope and faith and trust in God. As hard as it is for me to accept, it boils down to this--Steven will live as long as he is supposed to. I just hope and pray that he supposed to live for a very long time.

I haven't been much in the mood for Christmas--I think it is just that I don't feel like celebrating much right now. Shopping, decorating, holiday baking--those don't sound a bit fun. However, I am slightly obsessed with a certain Christmas present I am hunting down. I'll keep you posted. When I can't get out of bed, I pull out the handy IPad and search.

And along with it all, I am missing little Daniel. I don't need to hold his teddy bear to be able to sleep anymore, and I don't cry every time I think about him now. But I sure still wish he were around and I had a room full of baby stuff and someone to wake me up at night and warm little bundle to cuddle. I often feel purposeless. My arms still ache sometimes. Again, glad that my other kids demand a little bit from me still.

I wish I could end with something insightful, or at least hopeful. I guess I could tell you how much I hope I can crawl out of this difficult place. I hope that Steven has good scans. I am hoping that my sister, Alisa,gets into the trial she wants. So, lots of hoping going on over here! (Is that a hopeful enough conclusion? I guess "hoping" isn't really the same as "hopeful" but whatever...I better stop!)