Tuesday, November 6, 2012

My angel baby

I wish I had different news to report, but this is my reality and so I have to tell you about my broken heart tonight.

On Saturday morning, I delivered a beautiful baby boy, but he was stillborn. We named him Daniel Robert. He weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 19.5 inches long. I have never known such sadness in all my life. What I would give to be taking care of him and to tell him over and over how much I love him.

So many people want details and they are painful to relate. I hope that if I can share some here, then I will have to explain it to less people in the future. Don't take that to mean I don't want to talk about it, because I do. But the circumstances are hard to tell over and over again.

On Tuesday, I had my 38 week doctor's appointment and all was well. My entire pregnancy has gone so well--hardly a complication in sight. We had a busy week with Halloween and kids home from school Friday and then I've been working as hard as I can to get ready for my baby's arrival. Friday night as I was going to bed, I wondered to myself if I had felt him kicking lately. I was a little worried but, I was tired and I went to sleep wondering. When I woke up around 3:30 am, I was suddenly panicked that I hadn't felt kicking. I did all I could to wake him up and when I couldn't, I woke up Rob and made him take me to the hospital to see if we could find a heartbeat.

We left our kids sleeping at home and I arrived around 4:30 am. After checking in, the nurse used the doppler to listen for the heartbeat. She wasn't finding anything. I have experienced this before with a miscarriage and I knew right away that he was gone. I started to cry--wail really. I was hoping beyond hope that there was some mistake, and I waited for the doctor to confirm it with the ultrasound. But I knew and my heart was breaking. How could something like this happen? How long had he been gone? How much suffering can one heart take?

I had eaten a little cereal and juice to try to get movement and so we had to wait to perform the C-section until my stomach was empty. It felt like a long wait, but in some ways I didn't want to lose his precious little body--denial felt easier with him inside me. Rob's dad came and gave me a blessing which was a huge comfort. He then went to our house to be with our kids as they woke up. As we waited we cried and prayed and talked about names. How could I be so unprepared to not even have a name? The nursing staff was amazing and were a true comfort to me throughout. My doctor was out of the state and so his partner took care of me--she was excellent too. The surgery went well, but I was worried the whole time. What would he look like? Could they tell why he died? The hardest thing was the silence. I've never had a vaginal delivery, but with my other C-sections, I can feel the baby come out and then shortly after they cry and that is the most magical moment there is. This time there was silence. I think seeing his lifeless body was the reality moment for Rob. I couldn't see the baby, but Rob could and Rob was crying. Heartbreak. I held little Daniel for the first time there as they sewed me up. He was darling, but his little body was staring to deteriorate. They think he had been gone for a day or maybe even two. There was no sign of what went wrong.

In recovery, I got to hold him even more. My mom and sisters came. The nurse helped dress him in nice clothes that my sisters had brought. A lovely organization called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" came and took pictures. I wanted to hold him but mostly I wished he were alive. I wanted him to know how much I love him.


 

Our kids took it hard. I have long believed that Steven had prayed this little baby into existence--he wanted a little baby in the family so badly. When they came to see him, they cried. Addie didn't want to see him, but the others did and Andrew even wanted to hold him.

That night as my mom was putting Steven to bed, he said to her, "I guess my family just isn't very lucky."

They let us keep Daniel's body as long as we wanted it and so we kept it throughout that day. I had my brothers and sisters, our kids and both of our parents come and say a prayer with us in the hospital that first night while we still had little Daniel's body. My dad gave me a sweet blessing and then we all said goodbye. It was time for me to send little Daniel to the hospital morgue but I couldn't do it. I kept him for a few more hours and then finally I said goodbye. I told him about all the things I had hoped for him and about all the people who loved him. And I kissed his soft skin and thought I would die of a broken heart.

The next days were too quiet. It all felt so wrong. I did okay when I had visitors. But when they left there was the silence again. And the empty arms. I could only sleep if I held a little teddy bear that some friends had brought. I was discharged on Monday morning, but I didn't want to leave. The nurses had told me that they wouldn't send his body to the mortuary until I left. I wanted to be in the same place as my little boy. It felt like another goodbye. But all the time I needed my kids. I needed to hold them and help them and just be with them.

 And so I went and when I got home there was a beautiful piano with a big red bow waiting in my living room. I felt like Beth in Little Women when she is given a piano--absolutely overwhelmed with emotion. My family had organized a group gift from friends and family for Steven and for our whole family. Unbelievable.

 

And now when my heart feels like it can't take the sadness, I go play the piano and I am calmed. The sadness is still so close to the surface.

Laura asks questions like, "When will Daniel come alive again?" and "Is there another baby in your tummy?" I can cry at the drop of a hat. We are still making arrangements for a graveside service and burial. I still need to hold the teddy bear sometimes. This is so new that it is hard to make sense of why. The grief is so palpable sometimes. I will be going along and it will rise up in my throat and choke me. But through it all, I do know one thing. I know that I will see my little Daniel again someday. I know that our family has been sealed together forever and that we will be together again when this life is over. I know that Jesus is taking care of him on the other side. I think that he just needed to come and receive a body because his spirit was so perfect. He has already touched me and changed me forever. I know I will be a better person because he is a part of my life.

I would so much rather be changing diapers and missing sleep to feed a baby than to deal with the grief that this has brought. I would rather be picking out a crib than a burial plot. I don't understand why this has happened to us. But one thing is very clear and that is that we have a lot of people who love us. Steven thinks that we aren't very lucky and maybe there is truth there. But we have the most amazing friends and family in the whole world. We have the gospel and we know what happens when we die. And now we have an angel baby to watch over us. I know this is a long post and very sad. I'm sorry. I don't know how much I will feel like writing about this in the future, so you get it all at once. I suspect that this sadness will take a very long time to go away. So many people have done so much for us. I have so many emails to respond to, but when I try, I just can't. It isn't because I don't appreciate every word of encouragement you send my way, I just don't have the energy. The first lesson that I have learned from this is that life is so fragile and children are so precious. Please tell your kids you love them and hold them a little closer tonight when you think of little Daniel.






35 comments:

  1. So so so sorry for your loss. My heart has been aching for you and your family ever since I heard the news. We love you and will continue to pray for all of you.

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  2. Dear Sonja. Dear, dear Sonja. My heart is breaking for you. I will pray that God will carry you and your family through this. It is my faith and testimony that he can and does and will right now.

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  3. Sonja-
    I can't even begin to imagine the pain and heartache you are going through. I'm sorry for you loss of sweet baby Daniel. I love you all so much and I'm pulling for you guys!

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  4. You are in our Families prayers. You for sure have an Angel Baby. We have one in our Family and peace will come.

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  5. Sonja, I love you so much! My heart is breaking for you, I can't even imagine. We are praying for you each day and you are in my thoughts, as is Rob and your children. I'm going to do exactly as you said and go tell my children I love them. Thank you for sharing all this. I'm sure it isn't easy.

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  6. Sonja, my heart is breaking for you. Sadness is all I feel for you and your family. You have had such trials, I am so sorry! I will pray hard that you will find peace through this difficult time.

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  7. I am so sorry to hear of your loss!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are an amazing strong person. May the lord be with you and your family!!!

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  8. Sonja,
    I can't image your pain. I truly mourn with you and your family. I'm so sorry. You and your family have been such a source of inspiration to me with your journeys through Steven's cancer. You will be in my prayers.

    Becky Larson

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  9. Sonja - my heart has been breaking for you. You and your family have been a constant presence in my thoughts and prayers. All of my love to you. We love you and your sweet Daniel.

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  10. Your family is amazing. We are praying for you.

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  11. Sonja- we are so sad for you and cannot fathom the pain you must feel. Know that we are weeping for you and Robert and the kids. But I also want to say thank you. Thank you for bringing to the surface in such an incredibly raw way the the things that matter most- Family and Faith. Thank you for using this bitter platform to teach us to appreciate and love and pray and hope and live - better. Thank you for having the courage to write this. We love you and ALL of your family. We pray and use faith in your behalf and plead that in those painful moments you will feel a portion of peace. Please tell Stephen, we are lucky to know him and his family because he is so inspiring and strong.
    -Eric & Emily

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  12. Sonja,
    Eric and Emily Stauffer are our good friends, and so we heard of your devastating news on Saturday. We don't know you, but wanted to let you know that you and your family have touched our lives in a very profound way. We have seen, from a distance, the strength you have shown through the many trials your family has faced. I told Emily a couple of days ago that you must be an incredible woman. You are so loved by so many people! I feel such a strong spirit as you testify of the eternal nature of families. I know, as you do, that your family will someday be reunited with this special spirit and all will be well.
    Thank you for touching our lives.
    Dave and Heather Murphy

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  13. I love and miss Daniel with you, Sonja.

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  14. I also wanted to pass on this website: http://www.glowinthewoods.com/
    It's written by parents who have lost babies. I like that it is a place where parents can express the wide range of emotions for a wide range of time. Some of them are writing 5-10 years after they've lost their babies.
    I love you Sonja

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  15. Rob and Sonja, I'm so very sorry for your loss. We love you and are praying for your family.

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  16. Sonja,
    I am so, so sorry for your loss. Just yesterday, Cory and I were talking about Steven and wondering how things were going for your family. My heart is aching for you, Steven, and the rest of your family. I know there is nothing I can say to take away the pain. Just know that you are loved by so many and many blessings will come from this, as with any trial. We love you and are here for you with whatever you need.

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  17. Sonja & Family, I am at a loss for words. We are so sorry. We want you all to know we love and admire you, and we add our prayers and faith to the many others being offered in your behalf.

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  18. Dear Sonja, I adore you and your family. You have always been an inspiration to me. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  19. I am so, so sorry for the lost of your sweet Daniel. After all your family has gone through already you really should be touched with any more heartache.
    If you have not hear of them, please google Molly Bear. There is an organization that makes bears in the exact weight of your lost little one. I know there is a wait, but my friend who have received one feel it is well worth it.

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  20. We all ache for you. Does knowing so many love and ache along with you help you carry the pain. I hope so. We would take it all if we could. Love you all.

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  21. Love you. Hug those miracles of yours extra for me, wish I could come hug them myself.

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  22. Sonja,
    Alisa told me of your sad news at church on Sunday. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you and your family. You are in my prayers and thoughts constantly.
    Ashly

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  23. Sonja, our hearts ache also for you and Rob. I've never felt this kind of sorrow. It's such a blessing to have the gospel in our lives and you expressed it so well. Thank you for sharing your most tender thoughts and feelings so well. We love you and Rob so much.

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  24. We have added your family to our prayers as well. We are thinking about you almost constantly. My kids will get extra kisses tonight thanks to yours and Daniel's example. Love you all.

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  25. Sonja,

    I am so glad you shared your story, please do not be sorry for one second that it is sad. I hope that through the next while you and your family will feel all the prayers being said on your families behalf. Little Daniel is lucky he has such an amazing family that will work so hard to be with him again.

    Love,

    Sophia Leasure

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  26. Oh Sonja, what sorrow and pain you are enduring. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and also Stephen's fight with cancer. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I wish there was something I could do to help. Your strength is truly an inspiration. May God bless and comfort you. I send my love and deep condolences.
    Love, April Ferguson

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  27. Sonja,

    Our family cried when we heard your sad news. Tillie has been praying for Addie and your family every night - as are we. Thank you for sharing your story and for allowing all of us to grieve with you. We love you.

    Seth and Mary Braun

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  28. I love Psalam 30:5, these words have come to me so many times these past few days, I've never wept so easily.

    "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." One has to believe the joy will be as great that morning as the pain has been these nights. You are all so loved and prayed for by so many! Love, Mom

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  29. Sonja,

    I am so sorry. You are such a beautiful person with a wonderful family. It's heartbreaking to imagine what you are all going through. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it isn't easy. You're in my prayers, and I'm sure the ward family here are all thinking of and missing you.

    Kelly Olson

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  30. I just wanted to let you know you are in our Family's prayers and thoughts. I wanted to say thank you for writing this down as hard as it was, my sister has just gone through the same thing, she has lost her little Tyler...it really helped me with my sister, she is not a talker at all, and this helped to open up some dialog. There are not enough words in the world to help or make you feel better, but theres a whole lotta love that can at least help a little. Sending you a whole lotta love...
    Love the Smiths...Kammy, Boyd, Trey and Randy

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  31. Sonya, I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts prayers are with your family. I'm so sorry you had to write this post instead of the one you were planning. I will indeed think of your Daniel and give my babies a kiss on his behalf. I wish I could give you a hug, even though we don't know each other very well. There is something about being a mother that connects you to all other mothers, and makes their pain yours.

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  32. Sonja,
    I am only one that has followed your blog through Steven's battle. To see this post just breaks my heart. There really are no words... Just that I am so sorry, we mourn with you, and you will be in our prayers. We will indeed heed to your reminder to hold our loved ones a little tighter tonight and always.
    All our love,
    Tiffany Huish

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  33. I had a quick trip to Utah and stoped to see Heidi. She told me your story and sent me your link. I miscarried 5 times and each time it was the comfort that I never made it so far. You are living my nightmare. I think every womans nightmare. I won't quote scriptures or happy poems... they make it feel like you should be OK through all of this. Cry. Whenever you want to... how ever hard you want to. I wish I had a life remote so I could pause life around you. You and your precious family are in my prayers.

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  34. My heart breaks for you, dear friend. I am so sorry. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  35. What can I say? I sit here crying while reading this and my heart aches so much for you. I cannot imagine. I feel so horrible for you, but like you I am glad to know that someday you will get to hold him in your arms and raise him into the man that he will become. You have amazing kids. Daniel is blessed to have you as his mom. You are in my heart and my prayers.

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