Sunday, May 5, 2013

Six months


On Friday, it was six months since we lost our baby, Daniel.  I long for words to express how I feel and what I've learned and how far I have to go, but I don't have them.  I haven't shared pictures of Daniel on this blog; I've kept them on my private blogs.  None of the pictures we have capture him how I remember him or how I want to remember him,  but today I just felt like sharing an image or two of my angel baby. 

Grief is an interesting thing....I don't know that I really understand it.  It was so all-consuming at first and really, it sort of still is.  In a different way, though.  At first the tears would not stop.  As the months have passed, I've had to leave the comfort of my home and go out into real life and take care of my other kids.  I have had to explain to people who saw me pregnant but didn't know the circumstances where my baby is.   I see babies all the time--mostly they make me smile but sometimes I wish I had mine here too.   I really want to order a headstone for Daniel's grave, but words escape me.  It is such a small area in which to squeeze a heart full of sentiments.

So many people ask me how I am doing.  I don't know how to answer.  In some ways I am doing fine.  Thanks to my puppy and my kids, I get out of bed every morning, get going and do most of the important things.  When I seek it, I can find a great deal of comfort from my Savior.  Sometimes I feel too worn out to pray as deeply as I should.  After what I've been through, I am now a different person, I see things differently.  I am praying that these experiences will make me a better person--but I'm afraid I am very much a work in progress.  The grief has slowed me down considerably and my house is full of unfinished projects.  I feel like I have a better idea of how to help people who are suffering.  The only problem is that I am either too self focused or too depressed to reach out much.  I am hoping for better days and as I wait, I do what I can to fix some my problems. 

So that is my little update for now.   I was kind of hoping I had something insightful to say, but I guess I don't really.  I love my little family and while I know Daniel is still part of it, I wish he were here.

9 comments:

  1. Your thoughts were insightful. I really appreciate your honesty and thoughtfulness. I can relate to the part about 'When I seek it, I can find a great deal of comfort...' and the part of sometimes feeling too worn out to pray deeply. I love that you did find the words that I have been afraid to say. Sometimes my prayers are just a pleading with God in my heart and sometimes,that seems like all I can do. I hope he understands and forgives me. You are brave. You are someone I admire. I can't imagine that kind of grief. Blessings.

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  2. We love you Sonja. I think you said so many insightful things in this post. Lots of love and prayers for you and your little family.

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  3. Sonja, you are doing so well. No one would know you are still suffering so much. Your children are all doing so well. We all wish we could take away the pain. We also love you and little Daniel so very much.

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  4. I, so badly, wish he were here too Sonj. He is a beautiful child of God and so are you. You hold it together so perfectly in others' eyes; don't feel any less for grieving publicly. I love you SOOOO much!

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  5. I wish he were here too. Love you.

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  6. Sonja I have been thinking about you so much as I am about to give birth (it is my due date today). This pregnancy especially, in the aftermath of a traumatic miscarriage I feel that in birth, death and life are just a razor's edge away from each other and that I don't really get to decide which will be the outcome. It's hard to accept sometimes and I think about you often. All my love to you and to Daniel.

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  7. I think that just watching you live your life so well is insightful. You are an example of how the Atonement works in people's lives. I love ya!

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  8. You are amazing Sonja!! Truly, truly amazing!

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  9. I wish he were here, too. I love you and your family so, so much.

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