So at night as I lie down next to my girls while they fall asleep, I ponder on all that has happened this year, trying to make sense of it. When I have a lucid thought, I think about how I'd like to share it on the blog. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of my these thoughts, and the best I can do is to get up, brush my teeth and crawl into bed. But I keep promising myself that I will write some of them down, despite my exhaustion at the end of the day.
I have so much I'd like to say, but taking the time to say it just right takes so much energy. And that is something I am short on lately. But I will try. With Thanksgiving coming up, and us coming out of crisis mode, many of my thoughts are turned to gratitude. If I can, I'd like to write more frequent posts in the next weeks about some of the things for which I am grateful.
Let's start out with cancer. No, I am not yet at the point where I am grateful for cancer. I have heard other people say this, but I'm not there yet. I've seen it wreak havoc on people and families and I've seen my sweet little boy suffer in so many different ways from it. I still feel like I'd like to rewind and go back to the way things were a year ago.
But having said that, this cancer thing has brought a lot of good along with the bad. My kids love a book called Zen Shorts. In it, there is a story of a man who has something happen to him and his neighbors say he is unlucky. Then the bad luck leads to some very good luck, and they tell him he is lucky. The story flip flops between events that lead to each other--good and bad. In the end, his son breaks his leg and then doesn't get drafted into the war. The moral is that good luck and bad luck are all mixed up together.
I think about that all the time. I picture the illustration of the son with his leg in a cast and with crutches. I can't help but think of Steven. I find myself saying how lucky he has been to avoid so many complications, but then I catch myself and say how unlucky he was to get cancer. This good luck/bad luck concept is hard to wrap my mind around. Our view is so limited. God wants us to return to Him, and the way there can be very difficult. For some people, it may even seem like there is no good luck mixed in with the bad.
We have certainly been through a rough spot this year, but we have also been richly blessed. God has not left us alone. He put us in a position to weather this storm. He put people in our lives who have pulled us along when we couldn't take another step. And He has been a constant source of comfort when we had no where else to turn.
So tonight, I feel grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and for his plan for each of us. I feel certain that when I meet Him, I will understand some of the injustices around me. This life is a short moment compared to eternity and I have great faith that He can and will right all wrongs.