Dream trip

We're back! The kids and I woke up at 10:30 this morning and I'm still wearing the mumu I bought in Hawaii. As Rob brought all of our suitcases into my mom's house yesterday, I thought about how much work it would be to unpack them, but then I thought about how every belonging I own is currently packed up. Talk about overwhelming! No wonder I was reluctant to get back on that airplane and face my life!

I have been so bad at blogging, and I apologize. These weeks have been filled to the brim with painting, packing, cleaning, organizing, trip preparations, end of school year fun and just general life stuff. We have moved out of our rental, moved our things into the living room of our new house and are currently waiting for the wood floors of the bedrooms to be ready so we can move things in. In the meantime, we have been living out of suitcases at my sister's house, in Hawaii and now at my mom's.

But wait, Hawaii!? Last week we were treated to Steven's dream vacation thanks to the Make-A-Wish foundation. They exceeded all his expectations and put us up in a beautiful resort on the big island. He got to explore a volcano and snorkle and swim with dolphins and see lots of sea turtles all over the beaches. On the last night of the trip, he and I went on a boat ride around the resort (the resort had a tram and gondola system to get around the grounds) and then went stargazing on the beach (the resort was right on the beach). He told me that he never expected that Make-A-Wish would send us to such a nice place and how he wished he didn't have to go home. He asked if we could just save all our vacation money and go to Hawaii every four years instead of vacations anywhere else. It was so sweet--he was so happy with how it all turned out.

All the kids loved it, but I must say that Laura was a little young for Steven's adventurous spirit. She would have been happier to just stay at the resort the whole time, but Steven (and I) couldn't pass up the chance of being in Hawaii to see new things and so there was more driving and walking than she was up for. Still, she had fun and wants to go back, especially so she can play with the new friends she made at the swimming pool.

In all honesty, traveling with little kids can be hard, and doing it in the middle of a move and pregnant isn't ideal either. At one point I was really upset with myself because I thought, Sonja, you are probably the only person in the world who can be sitting on a beach on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii and be stressed out. But one thing I have learned from our experience with cancer is that you can't wait around for things to be perfect, you just have to seize the moment. And so, though I failed that philosophy part of the time, most of the time, I was just grateful and happy for the beautiful moments and the great memories that we made.

One of the highlights of the trip was a luau that Make-A-Wish sent us to. We all loved the dancing and entertainment. Steven must have taken over 100 pictures of the dances and he didn't stop smiling the whole time. During dinner, the band had Steven stand up to be recognized and then dedicated a song to him. You've probably heard it, it is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" arranged by Iz, a Hawaiian singer. I love that song and when dedicated to Steven and his wish trip, it was full of meaning to me. I cried through it all and felt overwhelmed with gratitude that there are people out there generous enough to make dreams come true and that Steven is doing so well that he could enjoy such a wonderful place.

I am also so grateful for all the friends and family who have helped us with our move and with the renovations that we have done so far. Without help, I really don't know how this all would have worked out. We have a little more time until we will actually move in, but we should be staying at our new house sometime within the next week.

I am planning to make a video about our trip that will have lots of picture, videos and hopefully even Steven telling about his favorite parts. There is so much to tell--hopefully pictures will help cut down on the words :).

Wild things

We closed on our house on Friday--that was exciting. We are going to paint and do new floors at our new house before we move in, so we will stay here for a while and see how the next few weeks go. Sadly, we won't get the keys until today or tomorrow, so we decided to head to my parent's cabin with them and some of my nephews for the weekend and escape the ever growing mound of boxes that are filling up the already tight space. We had a great time--even though I still found myself thinking about paint more than I wanted to.

The boys had so much fun--I don't think they had even a moment of boredom. Even on Sunday, which was too cold and rainy to be outside, we only pulled out one board game and that only to keep the noise level down. Inside, they had green plastic army men, paper airplanes, pillow fights, wrestling, books and who knows what else to keep them busy. Outside, they went hiking, shooting, fishing, exploring, built a fire and more.

Steven whittled his own fishing pole--he thought that sounded more fun than using a real pole. No luck on the fishing, though!

The rain made everything green and beautiful. Something about being outdoors just reassures me that somehow things will all work out. I kept thinking a poem that one of my mom's good friends shared with me:

The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

I hate cancer .5K

In an effort to do something to vent her cancer anger, my cousin, Dawn, came up with this fundraiser last year and it was so much fun. There is a short race and a craft/goodie sale. Come join us, if you can--it's fun! And I know from personal experiece how helpful it is. Even though we won't be benefiting from the money this year, I know the families that will and I know it will be so appreciated.

Clean scans

A long day...a good day. We had an early start with an appointment at 8am. Steven threw up on the way to the hospital. Good thing my van hasn't been cleaned out in a while, cuz there just happened to be a grocery bag available. Against my will, I peeked at the screens the best I could during all the imaging (CT, Xran, bone scan) and felt good about the scans. I tried not to be too confident in my radiology skills, but felt hopeful as we went to lunch with my dad to await the appointment with Steven's oncologist to get results. Even still, I didn't want to wait for that appointment. We got a lucky break, though, as Dr. Jones, the orthopedic doc called me and told me they all looked good. So we got to go to clinic feeling happy and relieved. He looks great and now we can breath easy for a few months. He has been delightfully happy all afternoon and evening--a huge burden lifted.

Big things

Last year, when Steven was first diagnosed with cancer, I promised myself that I wouldn't stress out about anything that wasn't life or death ever again. But then this spring came along and with it, some life and death situations added along with other stressful things, and all my emotions are so mixed up together, I can't seem to separate out all the stress. It is a bit easier to figure out why my stomach hurts tonight, though, because Steven has scans in the morning.

Before his scans tomorrow, I feel I must fill you in on some fun things going on in our lives. They are fun, even though they bring some stress along with them. First of all, we are having another baby! It is due November 15th. As I watched my kids play baseball in the backyard this evening, with their enthusiastic smiles and beautiful freckles, I felt overwhelming lucky to get another of these sweet kids. (Besides, baseball will be more fun with less ghost runners.) Every once in a while, I have moments of fear that I won't have it in me to be the mom I need for my many kids. But mostly, I am so looking forward to the joys of a little baby and I trust that Heavenly Father will help me compensate for whatever I lack. (And then, there is always Rob, who is a huge help to us all--he makes sure the important stuff gets done, even when I drop the ball.) The kids are all so excited about the baby, especially Steven. He has been hoping and praying for a new baby in the family for years.

And so, kind of going along with the baby news, we also have house news. We are in contract on a house that is a little closer to the boys' school and that is hopefully big enough for our growing family. It is over twice the size of this little rental, so it should feel like a mansion to us. This has been a hard decision for so many reasons, but we feel good about this and I feel very anxious to move. Hopefully we will close on the house in the next few weeks and if we are lucky, we will move in before our trip to Hawaii. We are going to try to paint before we move in, so we'll see how far the adrenaline can go.

These are the main things going on, but along with them are the everyday problems and then watching my sister in her fight with cancer and even having a few health scares of my own. It is so hard to separate out the stress for me because my emotions are so close to the surface and my stomach usually feels terrible and whose to say I'm not suffering from a little post-traumatic stress disorder of my own? But I am making it through. I usually get out of bed :) and I usually take a shower. I can pretty much keep up on the dishes, even if laundry is a little daunting. I usually sleep just fine, though, thanks to pregnancy hormones.

So forgive me that I've been so negligent at blogging. I don't make promises that I will start to write again regularly, either. I will make sure and post the results of Steven's scans tomorrow, though. And maybe since a few of you now know about the scans, we can divide up some of the worrying tonight.

Hair cut

I will start this post with an apology that I don't have before and after pictures. If I get ambitious, I might post one later. Today I gave Steven his first haircut since before he started chemo. Well, once I took him to a place and they trimmed up the ends, but it doesn't really count because his blonde tipped curls have stayed in tact. His hair is getting supe long and when the curls aren't tight, he has been sporting quite the wild head of hair. Plus my mom has been threatening to cut his hair whenever she sees him, so I figured it was time and he reluctantly agreed. I picked the boys up from the bus stop with every intention of taking them to Cookie Cutters, but they were tired and hungry and begged me to just cut their hair at home. I only know one haircut and that is short. So while Steven watched a Nova episode, I cut off his curls. Addie couldn't take her eyes off him and every few minutes said, "I just can't get used to how you look, Steven." And Laura said, "You look like the old Steven from when before your foot was on backwards." And then before he went to bed, Steven came and found me in my room and confessed on the verge of tears that he is sad his hair isn't curly anymore. And even though this post is making me cry as I type it, I tried to be nonchalant and said Really Helpful Things like, "At least you have hair," and "You look great no matter what your hair looks like," and "If you have to suffer 9 months of chemo to get hair like that, it isn't worth it." And even though those things are true, they didn't comfort him or even me. And I don't know why. Is it because that hair represents the great health he has had since the chemo is over? Or because curly hair is just cuter? Or maybe his new look reminds us of how things used to be. But whatever it is, maybe don't point out to him how straight his hair is looking. It seems that my little guy who doesn't care about the look of a backward foot has a streak of vanity afterall.

Star of the week

Life has been pretty crazy over here lately...I will have to fill you in when things have settled down over here.

I'm posting today a thing I wrote for Steven's star of the week spotlight. Maybe nothing is new, but I thought I'd type it up anyway. Steven said the class really like embarassing stories, but he wanted to make sure I didn't say anything too embarassing. Just thought I'd clarify why I picked the stories I did.

Steven was born in Columbus, Ohio and lived there until he was seven, so he is a Buckeye. He taught himself to read when he was four, and hasn't stopped reading since. He often gets caught up in a book and it is hard to get him to do whatever else he needs to do--like eat or play with a friend who has come over to play. He loves to learn about history and science and then share the facts he learns with us. When he was four he pointed to the sun and said, "Look, Mom, the giant ball of burning gas!" He loves to learn about Yellowstone and is our family expert. He loves to travel and learn about new places. Even as a baby he never complained a bit on a long drive--he would just look out the window and take it all in. On one of our airplane trips to Utah from Ohio, he was three and could see the moon and the planets perfectly out the window. He was fascinated and decided he wanted to be an astronaut. (That dream has since changed, now he wants to be a chemist.) The only thing he didn't like about that trip were the automatic flushing toilets that were all over the airports. They were his biggest fear at the time. As we were walking through the airport, he heard a child crying and he said, "See Mom, there is another kid here who doesn't like the toilets either."

I'm happy to say he got over his toilet fear. A little later, when he was 5 or 6, he was afraid of natural disasters, especially tornadoes. We had an occasional tornado warning when we lived in Ohio and were in the middle of a severe storm that damaged the exterior of our house. He was wide eyed and scared to death when Rob and I wanted to watch the hailstorm instead of hunkering down in the basement like the warnings told us. After that storm, he did some research and told me that he planned to live in Maine when he grew up because he figured that Maine had less natural disaster risk.

Of course, some disasters are personal and it doesn't matter where you live, you can't escape. I haven't asked him, but I bet Steven would rank cancer among his top fears now. I must say, he was so brave through his fight with cancer. His doctor told him he was tough as nails--and he was. He isn't afraid of hospitals or needles or surgery, but he went through lots of pain and fear and was brave through it all. He doing great with his walking and he doesn't let his disability slow him down. We are so proud of him! *****

So that is what I wrote. The kids wanted more embarassing stories, but I had a hard time thinking of them. I thought of one when I got home, that I will share now. The other night I wasn't feeling well and was lying down. Steven came in and told me to just go to bed and not worry about anything. Then he started to do the dishes by himself. He unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it. It was very sweet of him, and although he isn't always so helpful, he is very compassionate. Well, the next morning as we were getting breakfast ready, I started getting dishes out of the cupboard and found that he had unloaded the dishwasher while it was dirty! And we had to start all over again. It was a nice thought, though!